Parenting starts with us: Why self-care isn't selfish

MELODY:
Picture this: It's the end of a long day, your kids are bickering over a toy, It's not a massive fight, just standard sibling stuff but suddenly something inside of you snaps and before you know it, you are screaming at the top of your lungs. Sound familiar? Welcome back to Mum to Mum with Doctor Tash, a Mums At The Table podcast.

Hi, I'm Melody and as always, I'm here with paediatrician and mum, Doctor Tash. Welcome Doctor Tash.

DOCTOR TASH:
Hi Melody, nice to see you.

MELODY:
It's great to see you and today we are diving in a topic that hits right where it hurts: What happens when we are running on empty? Tash wrote a beautiful, raw article about this on our website detailing her own kitchen meltdown. If you haven't read it yet, head over to mumsatthetable.com after this episode. It is a must read for every tired mum out there.

Tash, to quickly summarise for the sake of this podcast though, would it be fair to say that you are proposing that perhaps sometimes, those difficult moments we have with our children, the times when it feels like they're just all too much, is more of a reflection of our current state of mind than our children's behaviour?

DOCTOR TASH:
It can be though I think that it's more complicated than that and I don't think it's helpful to see it as either one or the other. Our children's behaviour is real and sometimes knowing how to respond to that behaviour can be incredibly difficult and I think it's really important to recognise and name that but what I'm saying is that the same behaviour can lead to a very different response in us as parents depending on what else we might be carrying ourselves at that time and so our capacity isn't the same each day and that influences how we respond.

MELODY:
It's true. Well, as you can hear from my voice I've recently been sick and what you just said just made me think like, okay when I'm sick right, I really cannot, loud noise. I'm very sensitive to loud noises when I'm sick and so my son would be making the same loud noise but yes the reaction is different. I can tolerate it when I'm fine but when I'm sick it's just like, Can you be quiet?

DOCTOR TASH:
Yup.

MELODY:
So your suggestion is for us to flip our default question right, what is happening with you, or what is happening to my child to what is happening in me?

DOCTOR TASH:
Yeah, although I probably wouldn't describe it as flipping from one to the other because I don't want parents to stop thinking about what's happening to their child also but I want them to start broadening the lens. We more naturally ask the question what is happening in my child but what I'm suggesting is it's also really helpful to ask the question, "What is happening in me?", that we we do not come to these moments as a blank slate.

We bring everything happening in our own lives with us. Exhaustion, pain, stress, illness as you've experienced, poor sleep, relationship difficulties, work pressures, whatever else we're juggling we bring in too and so if we go back to my story, my boys were arguing over a play kitchen. That was the thing that happened immediately before I yelled but that was not the whole story.

Long before they came home that day I had already been at breaking point. I was in pain, I had a headache that kept getting worse and I've been pushing through for weeks and so when I talk about that question of what is happening in me, what I'm saying is about recognising that sometimes, our reaction is being shaped more simply than just by the behaviour that's in front of us.

MELODY:
I have noticed that you have been very careful to point out that you know, it is sometimes, it's not black and white, it doesn't happen all the time. We need to think about this, the problem however, I feel that as mums right, we always overcompensate to the point where we feel that it's all the time. So now if we're flipping the thing sometimes but you know, we will do it as every time and so everything that is happening is our fault. You know, classic mum guilt. How do you balance that?

DOCTOR TASH:
Yup and I think that's really important cause I do not want people to hear this and go right, so everything's my fault, because that's not what I mean at all. Like our kids are kids. They bring their temperaments, their emotions, their developmental stages and their behaviour into every relationship. We just bring ours too and it doesn't mean that if we can suddenly control our emotions or feelings or get ourselves perfect that suddenly, we're gonna be able to make their behaviours and emotions go away. That's not gonna happen. They're still their own person and so we're still dealing with difficult feelings, different emotions, behavioural challenges. You can be cool as a cucumber and still have a child that is having really big feelings and emotions.

So it's not saying that every interaction is about us. It's just bringing it up that reminder as that one point that rather than just thinking about them, to just remember that that's a part of us. It's not about blame. It's not about blame to them, it's not about blame to us, it's simply recognition of, "Wait a second, what's happening in me and what's my part within this?" and realising that we too are part of that interaction and I hope that sometimes that can help with the guilt, realising that actually, you know, I'm not a like, I'm not a terrible parent, it's not that I've had a moment, it's that actually, I'm not a bad person, I've just had a really, really hard day and I'm at my capacity and my capacity has been really low. I'm exhausted, I'm stressed, I'm in pain and I actually need to look after me.

Now that doesn't mean that yelling is suddenly okay or that we don't take responsibility when we get things wrong. We've still got to take ownership of our own actions but there's a very big difference between taking responsibility for our part in something and deciding that it's suddenly all our fault.

MELODY:
You know, with realising what is happening to us when something is happening with our children right, as you've mentioned in the article as well, a lot of it has to do with the fact that we're running on empty, we've got extra pressure, we need to look after our own needs but the reality is for many of us, we just feel like there isn't time for our needs. It may be the single parent who has no family nearby. It may be the mum who is struggling to make ends meet. Can we change that narrative? How do we do that?

DOCTOR TASH:
Yeah and I think that it's really important to recognise that that's real and for some parents this isn't about making or finding five minutes, it's an actual absence of support and there is no reframe of our mind that suddenly changes that and I think it's important to be upfront about that. I don't want this to be another thing that mums or dads feel like they're suddenly failing at but I think that there's two things bundled into that question.

One is the practical reality. No family nearby, no spare money. I can't fix that with an idea but the second bit is the story that meeting our own needs is selfish or that sometimes we get to it once everyone else is sorted and I think that that we can change regardless of our circumstances and let's be honest, I hear this a lot actually. Parents who feel guilty having their child in daycare on a day that they're not working or feeling like or they feel like they can't because they should always be there for them, they always have to put them first and look if there are those that hold the family values and they're able to want their kids with them all the time and not go to daycare and they can manage that, great. If it works, great, that's wonderful but flip side to the family that needs to put their child in daycare for work reasons or even just for mental sanity as an additional day. There is nothing wrong with that and I really think it's really important to call that out. There's no need to feel guilty for that.

Looking after yourself and looking and addressing the needs in life is actually really important too and that sometimes, you'll be a better parent for it by looking after yourself as well. Our needs don't disappear just because we ignore them, they show up somewhere and sometimes, it comes up in the way that we respond to the people around us, including our children but not just our children and for you know, the parents who genuinely don't have that option at all, let's be honest about that too.

Naming the load doesn't suddenly create support that isn't there and it might not make the day any easier but where there are supports available, whether that's childcare, community support, family, friends, health services, whatever it might be, I think we should be able to use those supports without feeling that doing so somehow makes us a less committed parent or not as good as a parent.

MELODY:
It's an interesting thing that you propose about how we shouldn't think of it as selfish. You know, I've read about it as well and I keep telling myself I shouldn't be and I've done it a few times in the sense that I have to travel for work often and when I do I travel by myself and I used to take that, I will take that as a bit of a me-time, as a quiet downtime as well, you know, evening I'm by myself and I know that when I come back from it I become a better person and I have a lot more tolerance for my child after that break. What is funny though, yes, sorry?

DOCTOR TASH:
No, sorry for interrupting, I was gonna say the analogy I would use is being on a plane and the oxygen mask falls down, who do you put the oxygen on first? Often we know the answer when you're talking about a plane but the reality is many parents try and put the oxygen mask on their child first and there comes a point where you're running low on oxygen and you're not helping anyone at that moment and I think that we don't think of it that way. We think, "I must be a good parent by putting my child first. I can't look after myself. If I look after myself, I'm being selfish," but that's not actually true.

It's actually incredibly important to look after ourselves because parenting starts with us and you can't give out of yourself something that you don't have in the first place. You can't give grace and compassion if you're feeling like you're this close to having your whole life burn down. Like it's not selfish to look after ourselves. It is sitting on a plane and an oxygen mask falls down and going I'm gonna put this on me first because I cannot help you if I run out of air.

MELODY:
And it's needing to remind ourselves because I was just saying that you know, when I go for my work trips and I do become a better parent but every time before I go for a work trip, the guilt and the feelings of selfishness come back again and it's funny, I'm doing this again and again and I know that it's good but the feeling of guilt and selfishness can always come back.

DOCTOR TASH:
And that that's important to recognise too because I think knowing it doesn't mean that everything suddenly clicks into place and your emotions go with the flow and go, "Yeah, I'm gonna look after myself," like let's be real, like the reality is it doesn't matter how much you know we still feel those guilts, we still feel those feelings, that the feelings don't go away but being able to talk to them when they come and go, "Yeah I see that again but that's okay. I'm not being a bad parent, I'm not being a bad mum, I'm gonna look after myself in this moment, I'm here for a reason, I'm not gonna kick myself over it and then when I come back I'll try and be the better parent that I can be."

MELODY:
Well I guess maybe for everyone listening, this is your cue. This is another reminder, you are not being selfish.

DOCTOR TASH:
You're not being selfish.

MELODY:
So let's get a little bit practical here because you know, we're telling them they're not being selfish, so for those parents who are feeling like they are running on empty, trapped by family and work demands, what is one small way they can start listening to their body and mind?

DOCTOR TASH:
It's a good question and look, honestly, I think the smallest place to start is simply starting to notice. Starting to try and tune in to what our body is actually saying to us, what our mind is actually saying to us rather than pushing it aside.

Let's be honest, who's said the words to themselves before, like you're starting to feel exhausted, you're noticing you're getting a headache, so everything feels too much and the response is, I just gotta get through this, I just gotta get through this. Like I mean, that's definitely what I was doing in my story but my body had been telling me something for a while and I just kept overriding it and so I think that starting by tuning into what it's saying by being aware of, "Okay I'm just gonna take a moment and pause, what am I feeling?" then that can make a big difference and I think that it's also recognising that the first step isn't necessarily fixing something. It's just recognising actually, I'm really struggling today or I'm reaching my limit and then also recognising that that doesn't mean that just cause you've acknowledged it it's gonna be easy to respond but it's a place to start.

Noticing doesn't mean you'll be able to meet it immediately. Sometimes you genuinely can't but there's a difference between not being able to meet a need immediately and continually telling ourselves that the need doesn't matter and I think that's the thing to change. Recognising that our needs matter and just starting to try and be aware.

MELODY:
It's funny what you're saying just made me think of you know, in previous episodes building up to this we've always been talking about being attuned to our children and being able to just pick up their changes and pick up what's different in them. What you're saying here now sounds like it's about being attuned to ourselves as well and being able to pick up the changes in ourselves.

DOCTOR TASH:
Yup.

MELODY:
So to wrap up this episode, what's your key takeaway?

DOCTOR TASH:
I think my biggest takeaway is the phrase, "Parenting starts with us," and that is the one thing I say again and again and again not because everything is about us and not because our children's behaviour doesn't matter but because we bring ourselves into every interaction. We have with them our own stress, our exhaustion, our pain, our limits, whatever else we're carrying and that all shapes the capacity we have in that moment and I think sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to notice that rather than just keep pushing through because looking after ourselves isn't separate from parenting.

We matter in that relationship also and I think that our children learn something from watching that as well. They learn that having a need isn't something to feel guilty about. It's okay to recognise that you're struggling, it's okay to respect your limits, to ask for help and to look after your own physical and emotional wellbeing.

We are not gonna get this right all the time, I definitely don't but I think there is something really valuable about showing our children that being human means noticing when we're running on empty, taking responsibility when we get things wrong and learning to care for ourselves as well as the people around us.

Parenting starts with us not because everything is our fault but because we are part of that relationship too.

MELODY:
I think one of the way that it actually really helps as well is that so occasionally I get to the point where I know I'm getting very frustrated or I've had enough, I'm stressed or whatever it is and I'm able to verbalise it to my son and because I'm able to verbalise it to my son he actually knows, "Okay, I know to back off," and the other thing that I have found is really good is that he knows that whatever I do because I think kids have a tendency to personalise everything and think everything is their fault and so even if I'm not yelling at him, even if I'm doing something and I'm upset but if I had prefaced it with the fact that I'm actually quite stressed and it's got nothing to do with him, I've noticed that he doesn't take it personally and he just goes, "You're stressed, aren't you? Take a break."

DOCTOR TASH:
Yup, that's really helpful that he's clearly heard you do it enough that he can recognise it's like, "Mum needs a moment, Mum needs time out," and I think, look that's the reality, sometimes we need time out. Like to be honest I think sometimes I need time out more than my child needs time out. Like time out is not something I would do to my child but that's a topic for a different day but I would give myself time out to have a break and then we go together and have a moment where we all calm down from a situation.

MELODY:
Well, thank you for that and for those who are listening, I guess this is just a reminder that there's nothing wrong with your child, there's nothing wrong with you, you just need a little bit of love and care for yourself and there's nothing selfish about that.

What's next? Go check out Doctor Tash's full article on the website to read more of her story. Thank you for joining us for another episode of Mum to Mum with Doctor Tash. Questions or thoughts? Comment here or email us at hello@mumsatthetable.com. We'll see you next time.